ravenscara

 It's been a while since I posted, so I felt I should update. lol.

I'm back in school, still studying to become a psychologist, and I'm now working a lot. My favorite site shut down, and I was forced to find a new one that is like it. Over the past few months, I have seen more movies then I have in my entire life time. My fiancé is signed up to site's that give him free tickets to screenings so I saw Paul before it came out. On Tuesday we plan to go see beastly, so that should be cool.

Other then that, I've moved to a new place, my wedding is around the corner, and I have to still go to Minnesota during the summer. I'm stressed beyond all reason, but don't know the reason behind it.

 After a football game, last night, a group of us decided to go out to eat. It felt like high school all over again with everyone involved. In this group there were 2 couples that were still together and 2 couples that had broken up during High School. I can't speak for the guys, but the girls were definitely remembering what it was like when they used to be dating.

Before all this happened though, i received a call from my Biological father. He was looking for my grandmother and as soon as he found out who it was, he hung up on me. I was so sad yet mad at the same time, that I didn't know how I was going to get through the rest of the night.

Needless to say, my ex was there, who had been through it all with me. (my father 'dying' and then me finding out that his girlfriend lied about it so they could get drug money out of my grandmother). It's the only weekend he's down from college, and i can't even spend time with him to get this depression out of my system.

Yes, Cameron has tried to be there for me, but him and I didn't start dating until after I found out my dad was alive again. I'm just so confused as to what I should do, and my emotions are going haywire. On the one hand, I need to be comforted by my ex, because he knows the full story. On the other hand, Cameron has been told about, but he thinks I'm being ridiculous for feeling the way I do about my dad.

Somebody help me please. 

 For the past few weeks, I have had a trying time. I've had to stress about where money would come from to pay bills, looking for a job still, and make sure that I don't blow-up on my roommates. Sadly, all of this stress channeled into an attitude, and I took it out on my mother.

After everything was said and done, I left her house being told that I wouldn't be allowed back while I still had said attitude. Knowing I would never be able to get rid of it, I've avoid my parents home. 

Last night (Tuesday the 28th of September), Cam and I dropped my little sister off, and we didn't bother to go inside. I got a call 5 minutes later from my mother about how I would rather get a slushy, then say hi to her. Needless to say, she said she wouldn't talk to me anymore and I said fine. 


Mom, I know you will end up reading this, but I'm not really sorry. You know my feelings on that issue, and when you pull the not talking card, I just let you. I'm tired of being the mat that he walks on, and the brunt of all the blame. I love you dearly, but I doubt I will ever go over there again.

I know God says to forgive, but I can only do it so many times before it just becomes tiresome. I have forgiven him for the past 15 years, and I'm done trying. I'm not asking you to choose because that is heartless, but until he can let go of what happened years ago, then I won't be back over. 

I'm sorry we dragged you into the middle of this yet again, but I've tried for your sake for too long. I love you with all my heart, and I hope, eventually, that we may be able to speak again.

 Ok, here's the deal, I have been planning a birthday party for myself for over 2 weeks. I sent out the invites, and a few said they would come. On the day of the party (Yesterday) I messaged those coming to double check, and EVERY SINGLE ONE BAILED! I couldn't believe it. I thought they were my friends. Now before you say, "you're over-reacting," know this, THIS HAS HAPPENED EVERY YEAR SINCE I WAS 10! So no, I am not over-reacting. 

Depression set in of course, until, my wonderful fiancé took me out to see Vampires suck. All in all, because of that, it turned my whole night around. I'm still mad at my friends, but at least I know someone loves me.

 Another fight between me and one of my friends. I have so had it, I just can't seem to win anymore. People seem to be getting pissed off at me for one thing or another. I AM ONLY HUMAN YOU RETARDS! 

1. going to my cousins birthday party last Saturday and my godmother treats me like dirt. ??? Her daughter then acts like she's all that, and bad mouths my mom and my step-dad. I may not like the latter of the two very much, but still, you don't do that when other people are around. 

2. Today, One of my closer friends gets P.O.d with me for something i discussed with a different person. the person's boyfriend knew how I felt and it didn't bother him, yet his older brother flipped out on me. Talk about a momma's boy.

Well, that's all that's new, sorry for depression vomiting, but people have started to piss me off to no end.

 It has been 7 months since that fateful day. Me and my big mouth lost one of my closest friends and there is no way this person will ever accept my apology. Since it has been so long you would think I would have gotten over it by now, but alas it is not so. I decided to try again today and yet again I crashed to the earth as this person would not talk to me. How am I supposed to live with the fact that I ruined a friendship? I saw an updated picture as well and a deep sadness swept through me as I realized how much I'm missing. If this person reads this, know that I am truly sorry and want to make amends.

Sitting in English during the middle of summer and I have to write a paper on the illegal immigration. If that didn't sound hard I am also working on a project in Cultural Psychology on India. Outside of school I am learning Chinese Calligraphy, reading Assassins from the left behind series, trying to write a fiction novel, and relearning Palmistry. Mom if you are on her reading this, your child is insane.

Last night as my fiance gets him he comes rushing into our room claiming that in the 5th Harry Potter movie there is no scene that shows the DA writing while their hands are being cut open. I stared at him in wonder trying to figure out what caused this absurd out burst. He then explains to me that as he is listening to the 5th book on audio he has come upon that part but it is not in the movie.

I had to laugh at this point. When I finally stopped I looked at him and said, "Yes there is, it's after Umbridge finds them in the ROR and Albus disappears." He then proceeds to tell me that I'm wrong, that there is no such scene. I then relay the scene from memory stating the Fred and George Weasley even give Umbridge dirty looks during this scene. By now he is swearing up and down that the scene I am referring to is when Harry is taking his O.W.L.s and they set the fireworks off. I start laughing at this point yet again. I then explain o him that it is not possible since the Weasly twins were not taking the O.W.L.s at that time but were supposed to take their N.E.W.T.s at which point they bailed from. HE is still swearing that the scene is not there. By now I'm making a wager with him over bragging rights to who knows Harry Potter more. I finally am able to place the DVD into our PS3 and low and behold the scene is there.

You would think that after 10 of these bets he would finally listen to me but I doubt it will be another 2 weeks before he tries to question me again. lol.

 I have decided to start writing original fictions as well as my fan fictions. This is a completely new experience to me but with the help of my wonderful Beta, the first chapter is done and the second one is started.

On another note my infatuation with reading has grown yet again. Over the next few months I am going to submerse myself so completely in god that anyone who wishes to contact me will have to leave a message at the gates. HA-HA. But seriously, I have started to read the "Left Behind" adult books (I'm still on the first one) and as I am reading more of an understanding of what the churches have been saying are starting to form. If I don't post for a while revert all of your concerns to me through my mother Sevibaby, she will be happy to ease your worry.

On that note I bid you adieu, and see you all hopefully soon. 

Another one of my fanfics have been posted. At this rate I should be done by summer vacation. If only my writers block hadn't kicked in again. Oh well!